tODAY is a big day in Star Trek fandom. Today is the day earth made official first contact with an alien race. The Vulcans peeped that we were new in town and showed up throwing up gang signs. Little did they know what actually went down behind the scenes before they showed up. Time traveling space zombies, sex robots and big shlong swinging Captain Ahab, chasing that big beautiful robocube. Let’s take it back, way back, back into time… or our future but their past, or potential future, whatever let’s just get into it.

We open up with captain Picard having dreams of when he was a space zombie slanging his robo junk around the Borg queen (ever since then she can’t stop thinking about him). Then a call comes in. The Borg are set tripping and making their way down to federation turf. Picard takes off his nap hat, puts down his flute and grabs a hand full his human junk.

It’s about to go down…. no, no it’s not. Some tight shirt wearing ass fool from management thought it was a good idea to put the flagship of the federation back in the neutral zone. Enterprise E and the gang follow orders and head out away from the action. Scans show nothing but some weak ass radiation spikes and a level 2 comet, boring. Captain pumps up the radio and listens in… “we are the borg” comes on. “That’s my jam!” Captain thinks to himself, starts reminiscing on that sweet sweet Borg queen and gets a chub. Picard turns and yells out to Neal McDonough, take us to earth. “I’m about to violate all over that direct order from weak ass Star fleet, y’all down or what?” Data turns around and with a smugness only a emotionless having droid can have and says, F*@K the orders, Na, just kidding. He’s not dirty mouth having ass Tilly, Data is a gentleman and a scholar.

Foul mouth Tilly at it again

When he gets there the Borg are just putting the whoop ass all over the federation. Captain shows up like Stone Cold on smack down. I’m taking command of this fleet fools! Now fall in line, I know how to get all up in that cube. And as soon as he fires that phaser light show the Borg cube drops a chronometrical particle having ship all up on the 3rd rock from the sun, can’t let that slide. The Enterprise chases that little ball back into time before we had sonic showers and Dabo wheels. This is just the beginning of an event that has a major impact on the history and canon of the Star Trek universe that one day, we’re going to cover on the show. But for now, shout out to Zefram Cochrane and the Vulcan dude with the fresh cut that came out on contact day.

Happy First contact day my trek dude and dudettes.

This means peace among worlds


Bonus video

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